10 Days of Silence, 42374982374923 Things I’m Scared of

Soon I will be leaving for Vipassana, a 10-Day Silent Meditation Retreat. Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation.

Most people I mention this to react in horror. It’s interesting that the idea of spending 10 days with only yourself can be that scary. Months ago I scoffed at these people. Spending 10 days with only yourself shouldn’t be that scary. Sure, maybe for someone who’s really disconnected from their true self, not someone like me. Not someone who breathes and sits still regularly. But that’s all blahblahblah bullshit Yes I’m connected to my body yes I know how to breathe yes I know how to sit still but my god I’ve never done it for 10 days straight and I’m scared.

1. I will cry.

2. I will cry and there will be no one there to comfort me except myself and what if I’m not enough.

3. I will not cry and I will leave feeling like nothing happened and the deepest part of my soul is made of silly putty or stone or something.

4. I will think of the most brilliant receipe or article or magic code to happiness and I won’t be able to write it down and I will

a) only be able to focus on that and it will fuck up 4437289 hours of meditation.

b) forget it on the next exhale.

5. See a really attractive man and spend 4328974832543653443 hours thinking of all the things I want to do to him.

6. See a really attractive man, a different attractive man (what if there is more than one attractive man) and imagine all the scenarios we might secretly meet and make out.

7. See a really attractive man, a different attractive man (fuck, three attractive men) and actually start making out cause as long as we’re really quiet and there are no sucking sounds, making out is not talking.

8. That all the making out will lead to doing it but it will end up being really bad because we can’t make any noise.

9. All of this will lead to getting kicked out for breaking the code of sexual misconduct and I will have to explain it to my father because we’re really close and talk about stuff.

10. I will fart when the room is really quiet.

11. I will go for a walk in the woods and get lost and not be able to yell for help.

12. I will go for a walk in the woods and get lost and ask someone for directions but they won’t speak to me because they don’t want to break the rules.

13. All the things I thought I’ve dealt with will rise to the surface. That I will have to face them again.

14. I will be faced with all the horrible things I’ve done that I’ve never heard of because I’ve suppressed them into forgetting and oh gosh what are all the horrible things I’ve done that I’ve forced myself to forget about.

15. I won’t like the food.

16. I will find it really hard to talk to anyone after.

17. I will never want to talk to anyone again.

18. I will run out of toilet paper.

19. I will forget something really important like a tampon and I won’t be able to ask to borrow one and I’ll have to do the toilet paper wrap around thing.

20. The toilet paper wrap around thing won’t be possible because #18 will have come true.

21. I will come back pregnant. Not because this could be physiologically possible but because that’s what happened to my best friend and somehow I keep thinking our experiences will be the same or hers will always be better because she came back pregnant and what a great story.

22. I won’t stop crying.

23. I won’t stop laughing.

24. I will get really sick.

25. No one will miss talking to me.

26. My house plants will die.

27. Someone I love will die and how will anyone tell me.

28. I will die.

29. I will sit with myself like I am sitting with an old friend that I realize I don’t really like.

30. I will scream.

31. I will stop breathing and not notice cause I’m so deep in meditation that I’ll actually just fall over and I will die alone in the forest just north of Barrie.

32. My bum will be really sore.

33. Everyone will be talking behind my back about how weird I am for going to a place to be quiet for 10 days.

34. Nobody will notice I’m gone.

35. I will meet the man of my dreams and I won’t be able to charm him with my words so I’ll just have to use my looks and I’ve never really felt that was enough/words are really my strong suit.

36. I will get lost on the bus ride over.

37. My bum will flatten from all the sitting.

38. I will cry.

39. I will cry and there will be no one there to comfort me except myself and what if I’m not enough.

42374982374923. I will cry and die alone with a flat bum, pregnant.

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5 thoughts on “10 Days of Silence, 42374982374923 Things I’m Scared of

  1. Sarah what a beautiful piece of writing. You tugged at my heart and soul.

    Thanks. I have to agree one of the best pieces so far.

    Again, honest, open and bare.

  2. So honest and inspiring. I’m not yet at the point where I think I’d be ready for a 10 days of silence retreat/meditation but good on you for doing it! I think I’ll have all the same fears and 42374982374923 more! 😀

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